How forgiveness saved my life

 

I had a grandma who caused some serious damage to me when I was a child.

I was always the one she didn’t like. She would give gifts to my sister and my cousins but not to me. And she did it in front of me. She would tell me how “nice” and “beautiful” my sister and cousins were. She would always serve me last at the table, criticize me where ever she could and I would be the only one who got punished when my cousin and I jumped into the lake on a cold and foggy day and came home with our wet clothes (100% worth it, btw).

The last time she treated me like that was when I was around 16 years old. We were visiting her at her house, and she had one of her very bad days. I decided I had enough after she criticized my body and humiliated me again in front of the family. I left and never went back to see her.

I was so hurt. I was so angry. I was so ashamed because I thought that what she was saying could be true. The little girl in me couldn’t cope with what has happened all these years – so I did what most people do: I buried these experiences and feelings deep inside somewhere in my subconscious.

Years later it started to trouble me again. It was time to process this shit and break free from my limitations. Because that’s what all of these unprocessed feelings and thoughts became: limiting beliefs about myself (like: “everybody else is better than me” or “I never get something”) swirling around somewhere in my subconscious and making my life more or less miserable.

But now I was awake enough to not suppress these thoughts again and risk wasting the rest of my life believing that I was worth shit and after a while of looking at my old memories, feeling the feelings, crying, grief, and rage it finally clicked:

 

It was never me who was “wrong”

 

Not my behavior.

Not my body.

Not me.

It was her.

I can only speculate about what her real problem was. Though she must have been suffered a lot.

I did a bit of research about her, and she must have been a very cold and distant person, at least that’s what I was told.

I found out that she was born in times of war in Eastern Europe. Many women were raped by soldiers at that time. She could have been a child of a raped woman, violated herself or maybe both. She probably saw horrible things and lived under awful circumstances.

 

After I heard these things about her, something magic happened to me:
Compassion emerged in my heart, and I was able to forgive.

 

I understood something very clear: I was OK all the time.

And no, she didn’t have the right to treat me like that.

No, I can not change the past.

But hell yes, I can choose love NOW.

I can choose now, in one moment, to release the past, forgive and let go of all the weight of shame, guilt,  fear, and anger that was lying on my shoulders. I could do that in a second after I understood. And I did.

I think Gabby Bernstein said in one of her books: When you forgive somebody you don’t do it for the other person. You do it for yourself. You set yourself free.

It’s an act of self-love to forgive.

As soon as you forgive you release everything that’s related to what you forgave.

You allow yourself to see yourself with new eyes. With the eyes of love. Doors will open for you where before were only walls. And you will see how perfect you were, all the time.

 

You are perfect! Don’t let anyone tell you anything else, ever.

 

I Love YOU!