You may hate it, but your discomfort is the key to create the life of your wildest dreams.
Seems odd, but is true.
Sometimes you have to experience exactly what you didn’t want in order to get what you want.
I can tell you my own story of how I decided I want a new relationship after being single for a while. And for a while means, two years in which I completely shut my heart off, because I was still hurt from the seven-year relationship before. I really, really loved that guy. I think he loved me, too. Probably very much. But we were like children who fought in the sandbox and beat each other up with our toy shovels.
After we broke up, I decided I never, ever again wanted a relationship.
But life doesn’t work like that. It sent me someone to wake me up – which meant: I fell in love. And I fell hard because he didn’t want a relationship.
So here I was, woken up to the fact that I want to love.
I wanted to be loved and I wanted to love, and shit I wanted a man – I couldn’t deny it anymore, but that brought up lots of questions like:
- What the fuck is this relationship shit anyway?
- What does it mean to be in a relationship?
- What do I actually want?
- Are there any normal men out there?
- Do healthy and loving relationships really exist?
I never had one, all I knew was pain and drama and ego games. And I was fed up with them, that was for sure.
For the first time in my life, I found myself confronted with all the limiting beliefs that I had built up over the years to protect my heart from being hurt again
“All good men are married.”
“Nobody wants me anyway.”
“I am not able to have a relationship.”
As much energy as it costed me to dig into these beliefs and past traumas that reached back into my childhood and as much as I hated it to look at all of my mess in my mind and heart, it was the greatest chance of my life to clean this shit up.
And honestly: I had NO idea how thankful I would be one day that I was willing to put so much effort into that area of my life. But I could sense it was huge because there was suddenly nothing else as important anymore.
My friends thought I went nuts.
I didn’t care.
I remember how the first thing I tried after months of inner work – reading books, journaling, self-care time and watching romantic comedies mostly – was online dating.
Oh my god, I was really desperate. Nothing against online dating though, I think it’s an excellent opportunity to get your beautiful butt back on the market – but I knew pretty fast that it is nothing for me.
(I’m an adventurer, I like hunting in the jungle.)
But between all the weirdos who texted me in the first days after my dating profile was online, was one who seemed to be quite funny. And so we went for a date after a bit of back and forth messaging.
It wasn’t quite what I wanted to say the least.
I don’t want to judge him, so I’ll spare the details about him.
But that guy was the perfect example of what I expected and believed I could have, or was worthy of.
And that was NOT MUCH.
At that time I was still possessed by this virus that many women share (and maybe it was accelerated by the craploads of romantic comedies I watched);
I thought if I meet a guy, and there is just a tiny bit of something – HE IS THE ONE. He has to be. I mean, all I wanted was a good guy and a relationship.
What I didn’t want was: Lot’s of desperate dating, heartbreaks and primarily confrontation with my own shit.
I didn’t want to be challenged.
I didn’t want to change.
I wanted my guy, now.
And I really believed it’s going to be like in the movies – until I saw my first date after approximately 10 years walk towards me.
The guys in Hollywood are liars, that’s for sure. Or maybe these movies aren’t even educational, but just for entertainment – who would have known!
But with this first date, a trip began that I will describe as one of the best times in my life.
After this one first failed date, I was hooked.
My fears started to melt.
If I survived something like that, what else was I capable of?
And If I could draw so much wisdom about myself out of a person that is sitting in front of me – what else could I find out if I let other men in my life?
Because even if that date was a fail, it showed me exactly what my limiting beliefs are and where my self-worth is at.
Something began to roll, because the further I got, the less effort was needed to get attention from men or get dates.
My inner game changed.
I changed my beliefs as I pleased.
I felt supercharged and attractive.
But the guys I met were just physically attracted to me.
Or they were attracted to me but had to go overseas for the next few months after I met them – so, unreachable.
Or they were attracted to me, but I just wanted to run as far as I could.
And frustration set back in.
I still wanted a relationship, and I wanted it more than before.
But I got what I didn’t want over and over again and again: Guys who ghosted me, told me they don’t want ‘more,’ or didn’t bother to even make a secret out of having more than just one girl.
It was a nightmare.
If you would have asked me a few months earlier, what I feared the most – it would have been exactly that. And all the dating even brought things up I didn’t even KNOW I was afraid of.
But looking back – it had to be like this.
Walking through what I feared the most made me realize, that there is something in me, that is indestructible.
Yes, you can hurt me.
Yes, you can use me, or cheat or whatever you please.
But I will get back up.
I realized what I was missing all the years before:
I can always get out.
I can always say no.
I AM in control, and when someone mistreats me, it has NOTHING to do with me.
With my worth. With who I am. It has only to do with what I learn out of it. How I respond.
That was an incredible leap for me.
I realized something so valuable, a message I need to spread all over the world:
Love doesn’t hurt.
Love is beautiful.
Love has nothing to do with romantic ideas.
Love is a force.
Love is a part of us all.
Feelings are nothing you have to hide from.
Making yourself vulnerable is the most significant liberation there is.
Sharing who you are with others is a gift.
(Romantic) expectations kill this gift.
So many of us believe that they can’t show themselves fully to others, out of fear of being hurt.
And I agree on one point: You most likely will be hurt if you open yourself up to someone else.
But that is good! The other person has no other choice but to show you where you are not whole. That is the game. If someone can hurt you, there is some part in you holding a past trauma.
It’s a chance to look at this area and heal.
That’s why you have to experience everything you don’t want, to get what you want.
It prepares you.
Everything you didn’t want is your opportunity to grow into the person you have to be to receive what you DO want.
It’s your mirror.
It’s a gift from the universe itself.
It’s set in motion when you decide to no longer play games with yourself.
When you decide to follow your soul’s calling no matter what and stop lying to yourself to be safe.
The truth is: you are safe.
This journey is a rollercoaster, no question, but imagine yourself on the day you die.
I don’t want to be morbid, but let’s face it: you will die one day. It’s inevitable. Hopefully, you will be old, really, really old when you finally look back on your life – but that’s not promised.
Now: What do you think will you regret more when you have your last moments and gaze back into your life?
Staying safe, not taking the risk of being touched by others?
Not following your soul’s calling?
Suppressing your desires?
Or riding the roller coaster named life with all the emotions, heartbreaks, love, good and bad times – reaching for your goals, being bold and courageous?
It’s your choice.
It’s a choice you can and have to make now.
It’s a choice you have to make over and over again.
What will you decide?